I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
