I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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