cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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