matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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