My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
