Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
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