dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
