I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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