i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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