He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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