My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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