My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
