im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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