I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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