i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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