after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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