I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
