i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
