Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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