Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
