she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
A bitchslap is in order.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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