My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
