I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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