I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
