I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
this just has baby written all over it
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
