i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
