Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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