I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
