Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
