no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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