I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
