nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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