my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
