THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
