You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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