You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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