She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
