If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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