im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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