soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Randomize
