just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
