gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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