If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
