If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
