This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Everything about him screamed your future.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
