She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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