I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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