Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
