I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
