You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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