Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
