Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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