I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
