Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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