I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
