I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
