The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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