The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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