I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
