____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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