If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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