Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
