The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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