I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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