Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
